London declares war!

BREAKING NEWS: Ladies and gentlemen, it is my unfortunate duty to inform you that on this day, London has declared itself in a state of war.

To ensure Londoners make it through this bleak period, the following protocol must be observed at all times;

- Do not go out after 10pm, especially if you're averse to drink, drugs or the dreaded...'homeless' (this should be fine for most of you because you won't be leaving work until 10pm most evenings anyway)

- Stock up on all essentials; coffee, diet Coke, Pret sandwiches, cigarettes and cheap champagne are 100% necessities

- If it is absolutely unavoidable that you must venture out, be sure to avert your gazes from anyone you may come across. Eye contact is strictly prohibited (not to mention wholly uncomfortable)

- Talk to no-one; any of those people around you could be dangerous. Keep yourself to yourself at all times

Sounds awful, huh? But then again, how is this different from any other day in the capital?

Y'see, after nearly 4 years here, it's only recently began to dawn on me how remarkably crazy the culture and etiquette of London really is...remarkable in its unflinching brutality and crazy in its unspoken yet universal understanding!

London is a city of 8 million people all rubbing shoulders with each other throughout their crazy whirlwind days. Or i should say that it's a city full of 8 million strangers desperately avoiding each other's gaze.

 Go on the tube and what do you hear? Not a word - just the faint electric hum of silence. This is the backdrop that keeps us from feeling awkward on our daily commute. There is a strict code of conduct in the capital, and it will be observed! But the question is when did this mantra of isolation and distance become the de facto dictum for how this great city should conduct itself?

When did silence conquer conversation? When did friendly become offensive? When did sorry become the instinctive response?

More to the point, walk anywhere in central London and what do you notice? Besides the absence of conversation, what is unmissable to the point of being tangible? Yup, the attitude(s).

We strut these streets like each turn takes us onto a new catwalk, each more salubrious and serious than the next...focused on ourselves and those watching us...but when did London's ego get so big that we decided we don't have to move for each other? We are the diva celebs in our own imagined play!

And those around us? Pfft. Extras milling about in the background to our big show...

The old are inconvenient in their dawdlings; the sick are weak for getting sick in the first place; tourists are loathed for their slow, wide-eyed-wanderings; and prammed-up parents are cannon fodder for the commuter elite; unless you're a hardened Londoner with a cultured ability to mind your own business and a nose for 'get where you're going', then the chances are you're gonna be just another casualty of war.

And make no mistake, folks - this city is at war. The first city-based civil war of the modern age. East against West, North against South, young against old, the accustomed against the unsure.

But who's who? Who's friendly and who's foe? How do you spot them? Well once you know, you can spot a true(ly trained) Londoner from 10 tube carriages!

A true Londoner smiles for no-one, avoids everyone and blinks at nothing. Nothing phases us. We have learned that reaction is dangerous, danger is a delay, and delays are expensive. And there are only two things we hate more than expense, and they are having a slow internet connection (oo er, missus!) and worse of all, a dying phone battery (yikes!)

We are London. We are prepped. We are driven (literally wherever we want to go). And we are caffeinated. But more importantly, we are getting where we're going. Ay. Ess.,Ay. Fackin'. Pee.

But don't worry - you won't notice us. No no no. We'll be hiding our faces behind our morning copy of the Metro reading about things we already know; or we'll be busy averting our gaze thanks to our Blackberrys and iPhones, because this city is a strictly 'no conversation zone'...

Just a thought...